Tracer Bullet: Private Eye
by CoolGirl89 Palanantoiel
Summary: Rach: Calvin is accused of pelting Susie with pinecones, but this time, he didn't do it. He swiches into his alter ego to solve the case.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
  
Disclaimer: Do I look like Bill Watterson? I don't own it and I never will unless I somehow come up with a million or so dollars.  
  
A/N: As always, R/R!  
  
3::00 PM - It was a slow day for the private eye business. It seemed no one was getting robbed, kidnapped or losing stuff. But we private eyes are made of patience, at least while in the office. Outside of it, we P.I.s are impatient for the next clue, the next sign that could land us big bucks and big fame. I was dwelling on these thoughts while polishing my gun and listening to the theme song for Mission Impossible when she walked into my office. She was a tall dame, like most dames are. She had dark brown hair and came barging in, like something was important. With my private eyes (sorry, I couldn't resist the pun), I noticed she had a cordless phone in one hand and a note in the other. I sat up, gun in hand, and asked casually, "What's a girl like you want?"  
  
"Explain this!" The dame gave me the note. On it was scrawled ,"Susie came home crying because she was hit with pinecones. Mrs. Derkins."  
  
I looked at it, then at her. "So you want me to find out who did it?"  
  
"No, I already know who did it." She gave me a look that could kill.  
  
"Then you want me to find this guy?"  
  
"No, did you do this?"  
  
"Me?" I was taken aback. "No, it was someone else."  
  
"Fine, did you take the message?"  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
"Well, I don't think that this is all Mrs. Derkins said on the phone. What else did she say?"  
  
"Well dame, I'll have to go talk to this 'Mrs. Derkins' and get all the facts." And with that I slid off my chair and walked out of my office, with the woman behind me telling me not to call her a "dame" Ha! A P.I. can call his client anything he wants to. As I walked out of the building I thought about this case. Why would this dame say I did it? Maybe I was being framed. What if this "Mrs. Derkins" was living under an assumed name? And who was this mysterious pinecone thrower? All these thoughts entered my mind as I walked down the sidewalk.  
  
When I reached the door of the Derkins house, I knocked on it and a lady opened the door. On seeing me, she cried into my face, "Go away you little monster!" Hmmmm. More questions popped into my mind. Someone must have threatened her to keep silent. Either that or she was in on this framing me business. No matter, a private eye can crack a case with just a few clues. I moseyed over to the scene of the crime, which was a sidewalk a few yards from the schoolyard. Nothing much, just a few pinecones. Suddenly, I remembered hearing that all the students who went to this school had to walk home today because the bus was being repainted. The pinecone thrower might have gone to this school! I could see the scene in my head. A small figure runs out of the schoolyard ahead of everyone else. He/she picks up two or three pinecones and waits behead a tree. When the victim passes, he/she throws the pinecones, then runs in the opposite direction.  
  
Unfortunately, before I became a private eye, I was in on some notorious deeds. I had turned from that life, but some people still remembered my troublesome years. I ran back to my office and rummaged through my desk. After a few minutes, I found it. A dusty yearbook from last year. I opened it and scanned the pages for any people who might have been in on it. On page 3, two people caught my eye. I recognized them at once. One was Moe, a underground crime lord known for his bullying and taking. The other was Moe's accomplice, Lou. He sometimes accompanied Moe on his rounds. Either one of them could have done the deed. I turned a few more pages. One other possible suspect loomed up at me. Chad. He was a sneaky, clever trickster who was known, at least by all the class, by his deals that sometimes were scams, but always profited him. He was one of those kind who had a crafty look in his eyes. He had enough brains to mastermind a plot where he wouldn't get caught. After all, he has escaped the eye of the principal more than once.  
  
Now that I had the suspects, I would try to talk to the victim. Based on my previous encounter with Mrs. Derkins, I knew approaching the victim, whose name was Susie, in my usual daring, quick-witted self wouldn't work. I decided to take up a disguise. Opening my small adjourning room, I brought out a backpack and a chest. Inside the chest was a bunch of costumes from Halloween. I pulled out a mustache and glasses with no lens. Stuffing them into my backpack, I ran downstairs to get some snacks to bring with me. Hmmmm, carrots, celery, yogurt.....ah cookies! After putting the snacks in a ziplock bag, which I put into the backpack, I walked a few paces when a voice behind me said, "Stop right now, Calvin!" I turned, and there was a man with glasses and black hair. "You aren't going anywhere. You are grounded from the TV for a week. Also, you have to stay in your room for a day."  
  
How could I crack this case if I was behind bars? I suddenly sprinted for the door. But the man was quicker. He grabbed me and dragged me over to the cooler. Locked in a cell with a tiger who was reading comic bo-. Wait a minute, those are mine! The no good, dirty, rotten scum swiped my comic books. No wonder he was here. I jumped onto him, and after a rather short scruffle, I religuished the books over to the thug temporarily. I sat down on my cot to think this case over. Why would Moe want me framed? I decided to break out, even though I knew that if caught without the evidence to prove I was innocent in the first place, I would serve a heavier time. I had broken out several times, in my past, so it would be no problem. It would only require a little help from the thug, who was actully, in truth, a close friend of mine. "Hey!"  
  
"What do you want?" he growled, still sore from the comic books incident.  
  
"Could you do me a favor?" I asked.  
  
"What's in it for me?"  
  
"A can of tuna." I knew this guy. He had a surprisingly strong weakness for tuna. I would use this to my advantage. His ears seemed to perk up.  
  
"Tuna?"  
  
"Tuna." I reached into my backpack, pulled out a can of tuna and waved it in front of his hungry face.  
  
"Now you're talking. What's the plan?" 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey, you guys! Did you forget about me? Only one reveiw. Ok, I forgive you. (Sorry, I've been hanging out with TL (tigerlily) too much)  
  
I went into the closet and got a tape recorder. "I know what the cops are going to say." His face posessed a look of confusion at that point. "I mean parents. Anyway, I'll tape my answers in order onto this tape. Your job is to play one answer when they ask a question. The first thing they'll say is 'Calvin?". To that, you'll press play and my voice will reply 'What do you want?'. They'll say 'Open the door," and the recorder will play, 'No'. Get it?"  
  
"Yes, but how do you know you're parents so well." He questioned. I scoffed.  
  
"Because I've lived with them all my life and this happens every other week. The only thing is, you CAN'T un-lock the door."  
  
"We have a deal." At that, he became quiet and I recorded my lines. When that was over, I handed him the tape, grabbed the backpack and climbed onto the roof. Already I could hear a knock and "Calvin?" From the roof, I climbed down the trelis and ran as fast as I could to the woods. As soon as was a little bit into the woods, I stopped and rested, rethinking my plan. I would put on the glasses and the mustache and find Susie. When I found her, I'd pretend to be a detective that her Mom or someone had hired. There was only one problem. I needed to be taller in order to wear the mustache. Having no stilts, I decided to ditch the mustache and just pretend to be a computer geek detective. I bet computer geeks couldn't solve cases at all, but it was better than nothing. I put the glasses on and, hoping I didn't look anything like the real me, I mosied my way over to Susie's house.  
  
When I knocked on the door, I noticed the nearby window shade move a little, as if someone was looking out to see who it was. Soon the door opened and a girl, obiously the victim, Susie Derkins, looked out. "How do you do?" I asked in the best british accent I could muster as I bowed. Luckly for me, she was fooled by the accent. As I bowed, I pressed the record button of another tape recorder. It comes in handy to keep two tape recorders. This way, I could listen to our convertation for clues later.  
  
"Who are you?" She asked in return. I paused as I hadn't consitered the alter-idenity factor.  
  
"My name is Melvin." I stammered. "I..um..have come to ask some questions about the pinecone insident earlier."  
  
She looked at me blankly. "It was Calvin, that's all you need to know."  
  
"But, I was wondering, what time did you walk past the tree and what did you see before and after the crime?"  
  
"What are you, some kind of detective? All I know is, I was walking home around 2:30pm. I was waiting for Jessica to meet me, when suddenly, a pinecone flew and hit me on the head. I was shocked and started to...um....anyway, I looked around to see who did it, and I saw someone running away from a tree. I assume he was hiding there, waiting for me to come. I ran home and into my room. A few minutes later, my Mom heard me crying and come in. I told her what happened and I think she called Clavin's Mom. I hope that little brat gets what he deserves!" With that, she flopped down onto the couch, for we had mosied from the doorstep to the family room. I pondered the story. Seems like the victim was to busy crying to notice much, but maybe she could show me where the incident took place. "I'm sorry," she interrupted my thoughts. "I haven't been a proper hostess. Would you like to have some cookies?" I nodded. We made our way to the kitchen where she offered to take my coat. Knowing that my tell-tale red shirt was under it, I declined. If she saw it, the jig would be up and she would know who I was, glasses or no glasses.  
  
"While we are eating, could I ask you some more questions? And then after, could we go see the tree where someone hid while waiting for you to pass?"  
  
"Sure, but after I ask you a few questions." I rolled my eyes. Dames, all they wanted to do was ask questions about who you were, where you came from and so forth. Didn't they know that we private eyes like to do the askin'. But I had to remember that I was a computer geek detective. For all I know, they could let the dames do the asking. No wonder why they don't solve cases. "So..why are you interested in this. We know who did it already?"  
  
"I was hired by Calvin to prove his innocence." I responded. She gave a laugh.  
  
"I would expect him to do that."  
  
"Now it's my turn to ask the questions. You mentioned Jessica. Did you see her?"  
  
"Uh......yes. I remember that right when I got pelted by the pinecone, I saw her turn the corner. She was about 15 yards away."  
  
"That's it! Maybe she saw something. I've got to go. I'll tell you if I find out anything." I reached down, supposely to tie my shoe, but actually I was turning off the tape recorder. Then I bolted out of the house. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter is a little disgusting, therefore, I might raise it to PG, just to be safe.  
  
I ran as fast as I could to Jessica's house, which was a few blocks away from Susie's. I knew where it was because I had been hired to throw some, well let's just say - interesting items at the two girls while they were playing tea party. Anyway, I went up to the front door and knocked. A woman opened the door and asked, "What can I do for you?"  
  
Still talking in a british accent, I answered, "I would like to talk to Miss Jessica." This british accent was going to kill me. What Chicago private eye called a witness 'Miss'.  
  
The lady blushed a little like I had called her Miss. "How polite you are. I'll go get Jessica." A few minute she arrived and I turned on the tape recorder. Jessica was a girl that her looks suggested she was bright. I should know, we went to school together. Had a crush on Lu, I believe. That would make this case harder if Lu was the culprit. She might want to defend him.  
  
"Hello," she looked back to see if her mother was behind her. Then she continued, closing the door as she went along. "Ok, who are you and what do you want?" Of course, the alter personanallity. This is what she was. I had figured it out. In front of parents and teachers, one is polite and studious, but outside of that, they are in their own little tough world.  
  
"I'm Melvin and I've come to ask you a few questions." I shot right back. She looked somewhat impressed. I grinned triumphantly and put my hands in my pockets.  
  
"You passed the test. I just wanted to make sure you weren't a sissy or something like that. Step into my office and we'll have a little chat." She led me down the street a little than we started to enter some woods when she looked down the street. "Oh great." She rolled her eyes. I glanced in the direction. Chad was comeing our way. He most likely had something to sell us or he just wanted to swindle us out of our money. Well, I had a few tricks up my sleeve. Maybe I could empty him of the money he swindled from me last week.  
  
"Hello there. I'm wondering if you would be interested in a little wager." I looked at him. Sure enough, he had that crafty look in his eyes. He blew a bubble and it popped as he waited for our response.  
  
"Depends on what it is." Beside me, Jessica asked.  
  
"Well, it's simple. You have to do what I do. If you do, I'll give you a dollar. If you don't.." he scanned me,. looking up and down. While he looked, I was doing some staring myself. I noticed that in his backpack, the rim of a glass and a gallon of water. I think I knew what he was going to do. "Ok, if you don't win I'll take....that neat detective hat." Great, if he wasn't doing what I thought he was going to do, I'd lose my trademark hat.  
  
"I accept." I stated. Chad looked surprised but took out of his backpack, two plastic cups and some water. He poured me a little bit, then himself a little too.  
  
"Ok, do what I do. And if you lose, I get the hat." I nodded and the contest began. He put the glass on the ground and I followed suit. He walked around it 2 times and I copied him. Then he picked it up and drunk the entire water inside. I followed. Then..he spat it out into his cup again. (Disgusting, I know.) Ahh...that is where he would have goten most people, but I was clever. Most people would have swallowed it, thinking that was what he had done. I had read about this before in a prank book. I spat it out into the cup too. He looked shocked. I grinned and held out my hand for the dough. He opened his pack, pulled out a dollar and relectently handed it over to me. Then he started walking down the street. I looked at the dollar in my hand. I would consiter this my pay for this case, even if I didn't win.  
  
Jessica and I were just about to enter the woods to go to her office when I glimpsed someone else, an adult, coming down the street. My eyes widen and I quickly ran into the woods after Jessica. It was the cops. They must have broken in or they asked a question I didn't expect so the recorder gig didn't work. They would have seen I was gone and would capture me again. Hopefully they wouldn't see me until this case was craked. From what I learned later, the cops had first gone to the Derkins dame and her mother. They said that they hadn't seen me. Good thing I had been disguised.  
  
Anyway, Jessica took me to a treefort in the woods. It was a pretty good hideout. Secluded and hard to get up into. I had to climb up a different tree with only a rope, then I had to swing across like Tarzan or something. When we finally got there, we both sat down and each of us had a glass of lemonade. Now it was time to get crackin'. "So..where were you around 2:30 pm?" I just hope my recorder hadn't busted up or something during the Tarzan thing.  
  
"I was walking toward where Susie was. We were going to meet and go to her house to check out her new computer game. "  
  
"Did you see anything?" I asked.  
  
"Well, when I turned the corner, I saw Susie. We waved at each other and I continued on. Then, I was about 13 yards away, she was pelted by a pinecone. I looked at where it came from and saw a boy, run away. I went to the place where the boy had thrown it from. There was bubble gum trash, a footprint and a stick of gum."  
  
"So..our mysterious pinecone thrower likes bubble gum." I bent down over the table as I thought.  
  
"Also, he doesn't like to wait." Jessica stated. My head snapped up. Jessica answered my quizzing look. "I found pieces of bark stripped away from the tree where he was standing. Our pinecone thrower was impatient while waiting for Susie to pass."  
  
"Hmmmm...." I thought for a moment. "Who is impatient and loves to chew gum."  
  
"Calvin.....and Chad. Moe is impatient, but doesn't chew gum."  
  
"Calvin didn't do it." I was almost sounding insulted by this, but I caught myself in time.  
  
"How would you know?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Because he hired me." I answered. Jessica was getting to nosy. It was time for me to leave and go to the tree where the culprit hid while waiting. 


End file.
